Wow, ok, so I'm a little behind on this blog.  Just two years or so...

But I do have two very good excuses that keep me busy, but since they are sleeping now, I can write what's on my heart. 

My sweet girls are 2 years and 9 months old now.  They are active and things can get crazy around here.  We've been stuck inside the house for the past few months of winter like most other stay at home moms I know, and it can make one go a little looney, especially when two two year olds are trapped indoors with you.  I've been feeling especially overwhelmed because Kayla screams whenever I drop her off at their mothers day out program or even sunday school, so I've taken her out of MDO and now we can't go to Mops either.  It's just been too hard on me seeing her so sad when I dropped her off, so now the only place I take her and leave her is Sunday school.  Today I took a much needed "break" from my mommy duties and went to my moms for a few hours for some peace.  But tonight, I am reminded that even on the long dark days of winter, I am so grateful to be with my two baby girls.

I read a blog of a mommy friend of mine who went through such an awful tragedy.  She lost her little boy when he was only 6 years old.  Losing a child is my single most greatest fear in this world, especially from knowing two women that experienced this.  It can consume my thoughts, cripple me and even take my breath from me.   After reading her blog tonight as I often do, I had to go in and be with my girls.  I lost it and just cried and cried.  It's just not fair.  Mommies should never feel the pain of losing a child.  I can't even function when I let my mind imagine losing one of my girls, let alone someone who actually goes through that.  I don't know that I could have the strength to go on, or the faith.  But this woman does, and her faith in God is so inspiring to me.  After reading her blog, it makes me want to be a better mommy, more present in the everyday moments, less distracted by unimportant things that take my attention away from them. 

I wanted to have a child more than anything in the world.  I prayed for years for them with all my heart.  The Lord blessed me with two at the same time.  And yet some days, I find myself trying to escape them for "breaks" when things get crazy.  Now every mommy does need time away to recharge the mommy battery, don't get me wrong.  But I need to really be there when I'm there.  No more Ipad while they're playing, I need to get down and watch them have their tea party together, or push their dollies in their stroller.  Or better yet, I need to put on a big floppy hat and tutu and join them for their tea party.  I need to hold onto these moments, because like Kayla keeps reminding me, "I growing up mommy." 

My new years resolution is to learn to let go of the fear of losing them, and just be with them, enjoy them where they are right now.  To never miss a dance with my little cinderellas.  Because all too soon, the clock will strike midnight, and they'll be grown.